Thats the image that struct me after class today. That sometimes I feel like a chameleon, adapting to the feelings and energies of other people and unsure of who I am and how to move about in this world and unsure of my place and purpose. Its not the first time I have felt this way but the first time I felt clear enough to understand and try and express it. One of the best parts of my weekly intuitive/mediumship class it what insights I learn into my own being. I know that understanding this will help me as I attempt to navigate through this winding journey of mine.
Who and where I am now is a massage therapist, with possible medium capabilities with dreams of writing dirty romances, while helping women with anxiety and who are transitioning to be able to relax and move forward with some since of grace and maybe just a little bit of their sanity and a whole lot of happiness. My journey has gone from heartbreak, anxiety, high stress levels, mysterious illness, weight gain and oh yeah this figuring out if I just may be a medium and dealing with my sometimes-creepy ability to know what I shouldn’t know. I was not always so clear about what I want and I have met with many challenges along the way.
Lets look at how far I fell down the well first shall we. I have always since I can remember had some form of anxiety and nervousness. It probably didn’t help that I was bullied from elementary school up until high school for being different, for not quite fitting in. I was not outgoing like my older two sisters but was very shy and preferred having one or two good friends rather than a lot of kids around. Oh, and my imaginary friend of course. On top of that began the weirdness, catching glimpses of things out of the corner of my eye, sleep paralyzes (yeah that some awful shit but we will talk more about that later). It was around my sophomore year at high school that I finally managed to first become the chameleon I am to today and blend in with the people around me. Absorbing their energies at times, being able to tell them what they wanted to hear. I managed to make it through high school, got pregnant and then cheated on by my first love. Made it through technical school, got a customer service job and later met my husband and got pregnant with my son. Then was cheated on by my husband and found myself in the unenviable place of having left a high paying job for a job, no car or house in my name and therefore was stuck. Stuck with credit card debt, accumulated through marriage, two little ones now, a husband I don’t trust, painful migraines, panic attack, weight gain caused by depression, a job as a preschool teacher at my church that I love but could no way support me and my kids with and deepening depression. Around this time the paralyzes was happening more frequently, my hair was falling out, I was mumbling to myself and if it wasn’t for my kids had more than once contemplated checking out on this life. Then I found out my sister was sick and a year later died from ALS.
That helped put more perspective on my life and how grateful for it I am and that I won’t just through it away. This life has a given me three great kids, a host of lovable fur babies, a husband who we have parted and reunited and continue to love one another and great friends and experiences I may not have otherwise had. I am learning to be grateful for the good and the hard. These are the experiences that are not only preparing me to help others but showing me who I am when I stop being who everyone else wants me to be, when I am not trying to just fit it, to not be judged to be accepted. So my goal this week is to get silent, to say no when I need, to really take time to connect with myself, to meditate and journal, to get outside, to date my self a bit and get to know me. This fools journey to recovery has shown me I can’t hide who I am or run from my shadows and mimic those around me. I have to change those bad habits for me to gain wisdom and strength to accept and be myself.