Chameleon

Thats the image that struct me after class today. That sometimes I feel like a chameleon, adapting to the feelings and energies of other people and unsure of who I am and how to move about in this world and unsure of my place and purpose. Its not the first time I have felt this way but the first time I felt clear enough to understand and try and express it. One of the best parts of my weekly intuitive/mediumship class it what insights I learn into my own being. I know that understanding this will help me as I attempt to navigate through this winding journey of mine.

Who and where I am now is a massage therapist, with possible medium capabilities with dreams of writing dirty romances, while helping women with anxiety and who are transitioning to be able to relax and move forward with some since of grace and maybe just a little bit of their sanity and a whole lot of happiness.  My journey has gone from heartbreak, anxiety, high stress levels, mysterious illness, weight gain and oh yeah this figuring out if I just may be a medium and dealing with my sometimes-creepy ability to know what I shouldn’t know. I was not always so clear about what I want and I have met with many challenges along the way.

Lets look at how far I fell down the well first shall we. I have always since I can remember had some form of anxiety and nervousness. It probably didn’t help that I was bullied from elementary school up until high school for being different, for not quite fitting in. I was not outgoing like my older two sisters but was very shy and preferred having one or two good friends rather than a lot of kids around. Oh, and my imaginary friend of course. On top of that began the weirdness, catching glimpses of things out of the corner of my eye, sleep paralyzes (yeah that some awful shit but we will talk more about that later). It was around my sophomore year at high school that I finally managed to first become the chameleon I am to today and blend in with the people around me. Absorbing their energies at times, being able to tell them what they wanted to hear.  I managed to make it through high school,  got pregnant and then cheated on by my first love. Made it through technical school, got a customer service job and later met my husband and got pregnant with my son. Then was cheated on by my husband and found myself in the unenviable place of having left a high paying job for a job, no car or house in my name and therefore was stuck. Stuck with credit card debt, accumulated through marriage, two little ones now, a husband I don’t trust, painful migraines, panic attack, weight gain caused by depression, a job as a preschool teacher at my church that I love but could no way support me and my kids with and deepening depression. Around this time the paralyzes was happening more frequently, my hair was falling out, I was mumbling to myself and if it wasn’t for my kids had more than once contemplated checking out on this life. Then I found out my sister was sick and a year later died from ALS.

That helped put more perspective on my life and how grateful for it I am and that I won’t just through it away. This life has a given me three great kids, a host of lovable fur babies, a husband who we have parted and reunited and continue to love one another and great friends and experiences I may not have otherwise had. I am learning to be grateful for the good and the hard. These are the experiences that are not only preparing me to help others but showing me who I am when I stop being who everyone else wants me to be, when I am not trying to just fit it, to not be judged to be accepted.  So my goal this week is to get silent, to say no when I need,  to really take time to connect with myself, to meditate and journal, to get outside, to date my self a bit and get to know me. This fools journey to recovery has shown me I can’t hide who I am or run from my shadows and mimic those around me. I have to change those bad habits for me to gain wisdom and strength to accept and be myself.

First Post

The author and I encourage questions, comments, and ideas. Please ask us any questions on handling/advising  about anxieties, depression, massages and spiritual healing. Like and follow the Monster to Crone site to receive  notification on anything new. Thank you, for taking the time on reading this post.

An Irish Leap of Faith

We all can be creatures of habit, even when those habits are not in our best interest. My habit was self-sabotage and insecurities among others.  Having spent most of my life denying parts of myself and being to afraid to go after the things I wanted and feeling unsure of my spiritual path. I decided to take the steps toward finding myself and that began, when my friend and colleague invited me to help her with a class she was teaching in Dublin, Ireland. She knew that Ireland was a bucket list trip for me and I said yes before I had a chance to talk myself out of it. For the first time in a long time I decided to have faith that the how’s would work themselves out.  They did, I good tax return paid off my card, some discipline in my finance helped keep me fed and with spending money and my husband though less than pleased, gave up the fight and off we went.

 

This was the first time I had left my family, both my kids were out of school, the first time out of the country and only my 2nd trip by plane. I made it through the eight-hour flight without meds, only adrenaline and was happily overwhelmed with how busy it was, how small the cars were and how fast everyone drove. I stood on cliffs (I’m afraid of heights) got into a lake (I can’t swim) and hiked a mountain (I’m overweight, with a bad back).  I also stayed in a castle, ate fantastic food, went to bars and people watched (my favorite, don’t judge) and walked till I thought I couldn’t walk anymore and I loved every minute of it. I learned more about me in those ten days than in many years of therapy. I learned that I could ask for what I wanted, without fear or anger and expect it to be respected. That I can manage my money and be disciplined when I want to and I could try new things, push myself and even if it wasn’t easy I would be okay. And If my ridiculous friend, who made it her mission to hug a sheep on this trip, even if that meant pulling over and asking some random person if she could climb into her pen and give it try. Then why couldn’t I finally stop wishing for things in my own life to be different but make it happen.

 

Seems simple enough but in my 42 years, my need to please others before myself and constant fearfulness kept me from experiencing many things. With this trip to Ireland I affirmed that I could fearless and I didn’t need anyone’s permission but my own. After days of Guinness, sheep and seeing some poor woman pull her skirt of her head while her friends took pictures (why I love people watching) I returned home, happy rested, a little heavier and ready to truly begin changing my life. It has been a whirlwind since then though, I’m still at work in progress but I can actually see progress. Not only in my daily life, but how I feel about myself, how I view my health and my spiritual journey.

 

I feel I was blessed and guided along the way during this trip and gained a spiritual connection that has helped sustain me and keeping me on the journey. I have always felt a connection with the wind and there is nothing like feeling the wind on your face as your standing on a cliff to bring you closer to God however you choose to see him. I am grateful for the beginning that this trip has given me but how to translate those feelings into something I can do at home, there lies my challenge.